Apologize
by Mocking Razors
Summary: "...a pattern of impulsive behaviors." AKA Borderline Personality Disorder, or Jack Frost's greatest battle. And he probably wouldn't be still alive if it weren't for his best friend, Hiccup Haddock. But his disorder lead Jack to the edge of his emotions, pushing Hiccup away from him. In one week, both boys will find out the strenght of forgiviness. FIXEDModern AU HiJack - Frostcup


Hey everyone, first fanfic on this site. English is not my first language, so sorry if there's anything wrong. I had the idea for this fic a few weeks ago, and couldn't stop writing it after that :3

So just to records, Jack has a borderline personality disorder, and he is a self-harmer, problems that I've been coping with too, tbh, and Hiccup has PTSD, so it kind of fits

Hope you guys enjoy ;)

* * *

Hiccup stops by, like he always do. Soon, I'm hearing the knock on my door. It must be my senses getting me crazy, but the knocks seem…lighter. I feel the shaking of my dog's body, getting himself ready to start the walk. The knocks hit the door again.

"I'm coming!" I say, before getting on my knees to lace my All-Stars. Double not, like always.

I take the collar of the walls, and put them around Bunny's neck, a grey Akita Uno. He barks before I stand up again, walking to the door. I grab the door handle, twist it and make the pose to receive Hiccup's attempt to scare me. However, I found myself staring his back. He is standing straight, Toothless is firmly hold with the collar's rope in the boys' hands.

"Hey." I say, brilliantly. He turns around, giving me an emotionless smile before turning back to the street.

I shake my head, letting out a funny less chuckle before closing the door. Bunny shake his tail, excited with Toothless, who gasps and smell him, their tongues already jumping out their mouths even before we can start to walk.

I can almost smell winter at the trees. Their branches are empty, the fallen leaves showing their fragile fescues. Some snowflakes fall around us, the streets have some white sections over the grey floor. The day look's particularly perfect. For me, at least. Because Hiccup didn't say a word since we left home. His head is pointed down, his shoulders look fallen, like if he was just about to dismount and fall apart. But his face still seems emotionless. Which is the scariest. His nose looks a little red, and I can hear that weak but zipping sound of constipated breaths.

"Hey, Hicc?" I try, but only getting a huff in response. "What happened with you today?"

"Nothing." He says, his voice sounds empty as well. Now that is disturbing.

"It doesn't look like nothing." Yep. I must probably be the most annoying friend. But what can I do about it? "Hicc?"

He holds Toothless's collar tighter.

"I. Am. Fine. Okay?" That makes me shut up for a moment.

I slow down, letting him take one or two steps ahead of me. And we keep up like this all the way to the park. We drop the collars, detaching the ropes, and let Toothless and Bunny run freely through the empty park. The best part about this place: it's quiet. No cars passing by, anyone around so that we have to bust the dogs to ourselves. We walk to the large seat at the middle of the park, in front of the concrete circle. Hiccup drops himself at the seat, snorting loud as he throws his legs forward. I stare at him awkwardly before taking a seat myself. And he remains quiet for what seems to be ages. At some point, I stop seeing things carefully.

"So, are you going to tell me what's happening or I will have to guess what's going on?" The words leave my lips before I can hold'em back. Hiccup finally turns his head to look at me. His forest green eyes could be probably shining, if I couldn't notice the anger in their stare.

"Guess what?" He says only two words, but sounds like if he was stabbing me.

"Guess what?" I reply, with a smiling gasp. "Guess what is going on inside your head right now, maybe? You said nothing the whole way."

"Maybe I just don't want to say anything." His eyes roll to somewhere else, staring at the trees, anything, but avoiding mine. "Maybe I don't have anything to say. Maybe you should stop doing that."

"Doing what?" My voice is sharpened than I tough.

"Stop trying to read people all the time." He takes a strong breath. "It's no wonder why everyone stops talking to you."

It's the final move. Because then I straight myself at my seat, staring at him like if I could spit fire through my eyes.

"Wait a second, what do you mean?"

"You heard me." He stares me back with the same intensity. "You want me to drop a list? Because it could take the whole day."

"What happened to you, Hiccup?!" My voice is getting louder.

"Nothing, Jack. Absolutely nothing." He breaks the stare.

"Oh really? Nothing? So you all of the sudden just decided to criticize me for caring about you?" He stays quiet. I shake my head, but get no sense of anything. "You know, I can't talk to you like that."

"Great. Then shut up."

I stare at him again. The last drop of reason disappear. "Oh, I think I get it." He stares back at me. "Maybe you're getting a wake up. What happened? Did your mom just told you why you both left Norway? I can almost guess what it is."

"What is it then?" I can hear his voice cracking.

"Maybe you're the reason why you guys left. Maybe you are the reason why your parents couldn't stare at you without fighting anymore. Maybe you just understood that you are the reason for why they got divorced." I see a small tear forcing a way out of his eyes. It makes me even angrier. "Maybe you just understood that being depressed all the time would only be a waste of time. Admit it; you were never depressed, were you? You just used your parents so that they could give you everything you wanted."

The lone tear drops, falling down on his freckled cheeks.

"Maybe you're right, Jack." His voice is no longer cracking, but filled with an irrational sense of anger. "How did you find out? Stared at your stupid selfish cuts and said 'Oh he is just like me, but without cutting'? What? Just

because I found a way to don't slice my skin, as in the meanwhile you're there, begging to press deeper, aren't you?"

How did we even get here? Doesn't matter, because every cell in my body screams for me to hit him. Hurt him somehow.

"I'm going home." He says, standing before I get to answer.

"So what? Are you going to run away again?" My words are meant to be cruel. And it seems to work since I can see other tears forming in his eyes. "Just like you ran from daddy? Are you going to run from me too?"

"Yes, I am." He finally shouts. "Yes, just like everybody runs from you. Who would be crazy enough to be your friend?"

"Oh, you say that now, but you were begging to be like me!"

"Be like what? A loser? A bullier?

"Be a person, maybe, I don't know, being able to make ANY friends!"

"I would rather die than be like you!" He screams. THAT is when I drop the grenade over him.

"So why didn't you yet?" I say it. It explodes right inside his heart. I hope it hurts.

That's when he finally cries. Not one tear, but his face is so red, and with several wet lines running down his cheeks. He takes one-step closer to me.

"You are cruel. You're mean! You are not worth living for. You are nothing that worth befriend with." It sounds like a thousand knifes penetrating my skin, straight into my heart. "You are selfish, ignorant. No one will ever forgive you for what you do to people. You will die alone, Jack. And I feel sorry for you."

I swallow my emotions, and breathe out my rage. "I have a borderline personality disorder." I fake a winning smile. "And you will never forgive yourself for being that useless, Hiccup. I guess we'll both feel sorry."

He shakes his head, forcing a disappointed smile, then running off, being followed by Toothless. I just stay there, watching as he run down the street, disappearing at the corner. My anger finally goes, and the emotions take back as I can form a single thought: what have I done?

MONDAY

One day after the fight. It feels weird. I didn't cry. I can hold back my remorse easily. But as an habit, I stare at my window, looking for the auburn hair boy. He is there, at his room. Lights off, but I can see his face as he moves his stuff.

I remember when I moved here with North and Emma. North Brookline, Boston. That was only two months ago, actually. Hiccup and his mom had moved two weeks earlier from Norway. Hiccup's real name was Henry, but Hiccup was his nickname at Norway, for being awkward and skinny and unpredictable. He was already one-legged. And indeed he was shy and awkward, but somehow attractive. I felt like I could trust him. We had a small talk first. But grown at that same day. And that same week, we did nothing but stay at each other's house. His mom was really friendly, and Toothlees, the dark (and really huge) Doberman, was incredibly kind after he get to trust me. He and Bunny also got along just well.

But I got to know Hiccup only at the second week. How he got depressed after he lost his leg in a car crash when his dad took him for a ride. And for that, I showed him the scars of the cuts in my forearm, a problem I`ve been dealing since I was fifteen, when they gave me the Borderline Personality "diagnosense".

I got to know more about him. How his dad, a big, stubborn man always neglected him, how he was depressed for his lack of a good relationship with his father, and how his parents got divorced one year before the crash. So then I told him how North adopted Emma and me. How I was bullied at school

for my naturally weird white hair, or my awkwardness towards people. How I started cutting my wrists when everyone at school mocked me. We found comfort at each other. We understood each other in a way that nobody, absolutely nobody has ever done before.

The friendship was firmly setled after that.

He turn his head behind the window, wich brings me back to present, and I see that his eyes meet mine. His rage expression growns, and impulsively, he pulls the courtains, blocking me.

TUESDAY

I avoided Hiccup at school today, which was incredibly weird. It's been a while since the last time I've sited alone at lunch. It is still easy to block my remorse, tough. What can I do if he god mad with me all the sudden?

But it turns into a dilemma when I start digging the last few weeks, trying to recall everything that happened. And eventually, I get to a day where I took him to a party at school. We would see people, that "some" I knew and others we would just ignore. But I knew who we would talk to and who we would dance with. Some really cool girls who I got to met at the classes. I felt pretty excited. But Hiccup was already shaking.

"Jack." He called me when we were like two blocks from the school. I remember that I stopped walking and hold his shoulders, trying to calm him down.

"It will be alright." I said, but didn't work so well. I could feel his hands shaking. "Look... it's alright, if you want to, we can go back. I don't mind."

Then he stared at me, suddenly terrified. "No way, you were talking about this for the whole week! You can't not go because of me!"

But he was still shaking. And sweating. Somehow, our hands met as we walked. Our fingers intertwined as we got closer to the school. But separated

when we got to the entrance. I easily found those girls. They were really nice, some of them could actually have a crush on me, or something, but they fell in love with Hiccup right away. And why wouldn't they? I helped him to chose his clothes, and to be modest, he was really cute. Green shirt, a brown jacket and tight jeans. And a grey hood that he never used before, but fitted just right with his reddish-brown hair. He was lovely, indeed. The music was really loud, and basically all we did was to jump in the same places with the beat of the music. And we were there for like one hour when he decided to take a break. I was dancing with one of those girls, when I realized: those stupid guys from physical education were trying to call Hiccup for a fight. But they were using hard slangs and curse words, most of which he didn't understand yet for being from Norway.

I don't know how, but when I saw, I was running through the crowd, pushing people away to get to him. And then grabbing him by the wrists, pulling him away from those guys.

"Hey what are you doing?" One of them said. I recognized Snotlout, he wasn't bright, but knew how to punch. Anyone would get away from him only by looking at his eyes, but my adrenaline and the urge to get Hiccup out of there were speaking louder.

"What the heck are YOU doing? Can't you idiots see that he's not even from here?!" And with that, I pulled him out from there, praying for them not to follow us.

"Thanks." Hiccup said, gasping. "Where are we going?"

"Home." My voice was low and steady, trying to stay hidden in the case of those guys show up again. But then I felt his pull on my wrists.

"I can't go home now. I don't want them following me." He stammered.

"Well… were going to the mall them. It's only eight o'clock, it must be open, right?"

And so we did. Said quick goodbyes to the girls and run away from the school. We crashed the nearest mall, where I bought us two ice creams. We seated on a table on the food court, and I could sense that he was still shaking about the confrontation.

"Hey." I called him. His hands were thrumming on the table. "Are you better?" He shacked his hands, but then he cracked a smile, followed by a nervous laugh.

"Last party ever." He said.

"I Agree." I replied. "Next time we'll bring body guards." He laughed. Then he went quiet again, but I could feel that he was thinking deeply about something.

"Jack." I stared at him. "Can you sleep at my place today?" I looked at him for a moment, hypnotized by his forest green eyes and the way they could almost say a whole line with a single stare.

I waved yes.

I shouldn't! And now I just want to grab those stupid razors and slice'em down my skin. But no. If I do that, I will prove that he was right. He is NOT right. I know what I'm doing.

I'm so lost.

WEDNESDAY

Snow day today. No school. No Hiccup. Great.

But my memories keep tracing the events of this last week. Eventually, I recall something interesting. Two weeks ago. A truth or dare game with some colleagues at school. And those girls. And Hiccup. We were sitting on a circle on the school's cafeteria, when they showed up with this idea to play. Hiccup eventually agreed to play, but not without some heavy blush on his

cheeks. Hiccup was far away from me, and mostly choose "Truth". Now I went for the "Dare". Until I was dared to kiss Astrid Hofferson, a blonde girl from Hiccup's science class that he seemed to have a small crush. And so I did. I already kissed many girls before, and Astrid kiss was from far the weirdest.

Suddenly it hits me. I kissed Astrid. The girl who Hiccup liked. At least I think he liked. It's hard to read Hiccup. He doesn't open up much with me.

But wait a minute, when did Hiccup ever told me that he liked a girl? Any girl from anywhere? He told me about that small crush that every boy have at ten years old, but I never heard him saying "that girl" or anything like it. But he blushed every time I spoke about Astrid. So, obviously he had a crush on her, right?

Why am I even thinking about it?

THURSDAY

The machines cleaned the snow from the streets, which means… Yep. School. Avoiding Hiccup through the halls. But it seems impossible. Anywhere he is, I get stuck at his moves. I can feel my heartbeats stronger when he comes closer, almost running to avoid me.

That's when I decide, I have to talk to Astrid. I need to know what is going on. She is standing in front of her locker, putting some books in order when I get to her.

"Hey Astrid." I say, casually.

"Hey Jack." She is a little skittish, but not exactly rude.

"I need to talk to you." She stops for a moment and frowns.

"If you're thinking about that game..."

"Not exactly" I clarify. "Or at least, not about that dare."

"Good. I don't want things to get weird." We both chuckle. That definitely won't happen. "What is it about, then?"

I take a breath. "It's about Hiccup." She stares at me for a moment. "I need to know, how does he get when he is close to you?"

She seems to think for a moment, remembering. Then she frowns again. "You think that he has a crush on me?" I look at her, stunned by her intuition. Then I wave yes. "Look, Jack, I don't know how to say that, but…" She takes a deep breath. "Hiccup is a good friend of mine. And I have a clue of what happened between the two of you, but never mind. But I'm pretty sure that no, he doesn't have a crush on me."

My head almost tumbles. She saves the last book inside her locker, then close it smoothly.

"But I'm also pretty sure that he has on someone else." Says Astrid.

FRIDAY

I missed class. I can't see him. I can't think about him.

He can't win. He can't win. He can't win. He can't win. He can't win.

He won't win.

He. Won't. Win.

That's when my razor cuts the skin on my forearm. The blood drops quickly jump out of the open flesh, and I feel the pain wash away all the toughs and emotions. And I won't think about Hiccup. I won't think about how he won. I won't.

He already won.

And I am thinking about him.

My mind travels back to that day of the party, when we went to the mall. When he asked me to sleep at his house. And I waved yes.

His mom was working at the hospital. That means it was just us and our phones to wake us up when Sunday morning came. He was pulling the mattress to the floor at the side of the bed. We were already in our clothes to sleep. His room was particularly big, bigger than mine was, at least. I was already taking my place at the mattress when he pulled me back up.

"Nop, you're staying at the bed." He said.

"Hiccup, I don't care, really." I said back, but he shacked his head.

"Jack, just take the bed and shut up." I chuckled.

"Okay, mattress sheriff." I faked a strong accent, he just rolled his eyes, but smiling.

I was about to shut the lights when I heard him. "Jack?" I looked at him. "Thanks for what you did today."

I smiled. "You're welcome Hicc. You're my best friend." Then he blushed a little, which seemed awkwardly cute, but with the perfect touch to be…attractive. I turned off the lights.

I was sleeping for like an hour when I heard the knocks on the bed. Repeatedly. The light that penetrated the window was already enough for me to see him. Hugging his knees against his chest, Hiccup was sobbing, curled into himself like if he could disappear.

"Gods…Hiccup!" I threw the blanket off, and then jumped to close to Hiccup. "Hey..." I put my hands on his shoulders, and I could notice the tension easily. "Hey, it's okay, I'm here!"

I recognized that so fast that I felt actually relieved for knowing what that was. A panic attack. I already had those a few times before. So I did to him what I always wanted someone to do for me. I passed my arms around his shoulders, pulling him closer. I felt his head pressing my chest, then

somehow, the tension eased a little, but not much. "Think, Jack, Think!" What else I would like someone to do for me in those cases?

The words came out of my mouth before I could notice: "You are like this, a dream for me... I want to fill you on kisses" That was an old song that I only heard once before, but which I never forgot the lyrics. And the melody, was slow, soft and relaxing. Perfect for that moment. "I think about you, since the breaking dawn… until when I'm brought down." It sounded silly, but it seemed to work. The tension was easing. "I do, I do like you. And yes, I do like to be with you." He was trying to reach the words, and was breathing heavily. "My smiles are so happy with you, My best friend turns out to be my love..." Okay, the lyrics were getting weird, but what could I do about it? "Your eyes, they strike the light; They guide me into the darkest times; Your feet, they open me those path ways; I follow and I never feel alone."

It took a few minutes, but then he finally calmed down. But didn't eased the hug. I guess neither did I. Maybe I didn't want to. But eventually, we did. I dried the last tears that slipped his cheeks. "Feeling better?" I said. He waved. "Good." I don't remember how much we kept staring at each other, but I didn't want to get away from him. "Hicc, why don't you sleep at the bed?"

He stared at me. "Because you're there already." His voice was a little shaken.

"No, I mean, sleep with me." Then I wanted to kill myself.

WhythehelldidIsaythat?! But it was done. He stood up. And then he crawled at the bed, getting right by my side. I threw the blanket over us, and pushed the pillow closer to him. Then we kept staring at each other for some minutes.

"Try to go to sleep." I whispered.

"Jack." He said. "Can…C-can you hug me?"

Now I was stunned. "Hug?" I said, awkwardly. "You mean, like cuddling?" He waved his head in response. I chuckled, and didn't think before holding his back with my right hand, and passed my left hand below his head, pulling him closer. When things couldn't get weirder, I left a soft but quick kiss on his cheeks. "You big baby." I teased.

Then he chuckled. "Asshole." And that made me crack a smile.

For that night, we had each other. We found safety in ourselves. Now, I can't stop remembering those lyrics: "My best friend turns out to be my love..."

My heart is beating so fast now, but I'm no longer bleeding at my arms. I'm bleeding in my soul. And it hits me like a hurricane. The truth is finally visible for me: I'm in love for Hiccup Haddock. And I'll probably never be able to talk to him like we used to again.

And I hate myself for that.

SATURDAY

He won.

No more memories. No more doubts.

Only this certain: I miss him. I miss him so much, that it actually hurts in my chest. I need him. I can't go on with that.

That is what drives me to his door at Saturday afternoon. Five o'clock, actually. I saw his mom leave, probably went to the mall or something. That may be my last chance to be alone with him. So I ring the bell at his door.

I bite my cheeks while I wait. I had a whole speech ready when I went out from the house. "Hey…" No, that's not it. "Hi..." Argh, not that too.

The door opens violently; I end up taking a step back when I see him. His reddish-brown hair over his forehead. I can sense his smell from here,

like pinewoods at the spring. But his eyes are emotionless. Just like the last time.

"What do you want?" He says.

I stare at his eyes, trying to recall the speech, but it turns into smoke soon as I look at his forest green eyes. "C-can I come in?"

He stares at me for a moment before pushing himself aside, letting me in. His house is particularly neat. I forgot how Valka (his mom) is whimsical with her house.

"So..." I say, when Hiccup seats at the couch.

"So...?" He replies, still emotionless, but like if he was expecting something.

When I don't answer he roles his eyes. But doesn't make me laugh like the last times.

"Hiccup, I…" The speech is really gone. Just me and myself now. I close my hands, to hide the fact that they're shaking. I take a deep breath. "Hiccup, I'm sorry." He raises one of his eyebrows. He never makes it easy... "I'm sorry… for everything. I-I still don't know what happened that day." I breath again, feeling the oxygen fulfill my lungs. "This last week... I couldn't stop thinking about what you said. That I push people away. And what really bothers me is that…You're right." He frowns. I close my hands tighter. "Everyone I met… I was never really there for them. I just let them go without even reconsider them as my friends. And now I was doing that to you." He keeps staring at me, but I can see a slight change in his expression. It's a little softer now. "Hiccup, I'm so sorry for what I said. I don't know what I was thinking, and… I was so afraid of being alone, that I started to think that maybe you were… I don't know, going away. Maybe I was fantasizing everything, but… I got really scared of losing you."

I didn't even realize the heat that formed behind my eyes, the tears about to come, but I'm focused on Hiccup. His expression is now really sweet, hurt, but also remorse. I can't stop talking now.

"I told you the most horrible things... I tried to hurt you. I was a monster! And n-now I can't forgive myself..." The goddamn tears came, but I don't even whipe'em out. "Hicc, you have no idea of how much I miss you, I-I just want my best friend back." I see his face, also writhing to hold back the tears. "Hiccup, I'm so sorry…"

He suddenly stands, walking to me, decided. I see the tears on his face as well, but his hands touch mine, rubbing my cheeks to dry my tears.

"Jack..." He says, sobbing. "I-I'm sorry too. I said all of those cruel things to you."

"You said the truth." I reply, drying his tears with the back of my hands.

"No!" He stares at me. "N-no, I was so angry about everything and I discounted on you, I was..." He gasps. "I guess you were right about me."

"No, Hiccup!" I shake his shoulders, gently, but serious. "I was so wrong, I wasn't thinking straight, I..." I swallow my cries, and decide to let go of the strings that hold me from saying the truth: "I didn't see that I was hurting the person that I most cared about."

His eyes jump to mine. A different shine is visible between the green irises. His mouth open slightly. So this is the moment, right?

"What do you mean, Jack?" He says, softly.

"It's you Hiccup." I whisper. "The one I can't live without."

And then none of us is able to say anything else. That's when his arms pass around my neck, and my hands hold his hips. Our foreheads are touched, and I can feel his breaths on my face. I see his lips, so close to mine.

Eventually, we close the distance.

Our lips touch softly, first a small kiss, but I feel the heat taking over my chest. It makes me kiss him again. We press a little harder this time, hearing the light stales of the soft suction. It's delicate. Hunger. And growing. Neither of us would know when his hand pressed my face, or when I hugged him so tightly that our hips are almost fighting to get closer. Distance is cruel to our bodies, and proximity is no longer enough.

We are already breathing heavily, forcing us to break the kiss. My hands slip down his back, grabbing his legs from behind, and pulling him up. He jumps; his legs embracing my hips, making me hold him around me. His fingers play with the hair at the back of my neck. I walk slowly to the large couch at the center of the living room. I lay him down gingerly, as he pulls my head closer, pressing our lips again. The kiss turns into an urge, heavily becoming a need, and instead of satisfying, they do the opposite reaction, making our urge grow.

"Jack..." He gasps when I start to kiss the skin on his neck. The heat seems to evaporate over his body, melting every inch of uncertainty. "Jack..." He is now moaning beneath me. I realize how we are. His legs are lacing my back, and his butt is basically in my lap. "Jack!" He moans again, but pushing me away softly.

"Okay." I sigh, pushing myself away, being hit by the cold air. He stills hold me, tough, rubbing my back over the heavy clothes. We stare again. I could get loose only by looking at those shining green eyes. I see a sweet smile on his lips, which makes me smile back at him. "Okay, I think we can take it slow."

"Yeah, me too." He whispers.

Slowly I lay my head down his chest, hearing… no, feeling his heart beating strongly against my ear. I love this sound. So much that I could stay here forever. It beats a little faster after a minute, right before he says:

"My best friend turns out to be my love..." I turn my neck to stare at him. He is looking straight to the roof, but smiling.

"So you remember that?" I whisper.

"How could I forget that?" He replies. "Your eyes, they strike the light, they guide me into the darkest times." Then his eyes meet mine. "That's my favorite part."

I chuckle. "My favorite is about the best friend." His smile opens a little more.

"So you do love me?" He says. I move away the hair strands off his forehead.

"I do." And deposit a gentle kiss on his lips. "Independent of you loving me back."

His smile almost shines. "But I do love you back."


End file.
